Caught speeding woman
"Is there a problem, Officer?" Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding." Woman: "Oh, I see." Officer: "Can I see your License please?" Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one." Officer: "Don't have one?" Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving." Officer: "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please." Woman: "I can't do that." Officer: "Why not?" Woman: "I stole this car." Officer: "Stole it?" Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner." Officer: "You what?" Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see." The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Senior officer: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle. Woman: "Is there a problem sir?" Senior officer: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner." Woman: "Murdered the owner?" Senior officer: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please." The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Senior officer: "Is this your car, ma'am?" Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers." The first officer is stunned. Senior officer: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. "The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Senior officer: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner." Woman: "Betcha the lying idiot told you I was speeding too."
Hiker on his way to Seattle
A police officer once say a hiker walking along the road carrying a sign which read "To Seattle." He asked "What are you doing with that?" "I'm walking to Seattle," said the hiker, "and I don't want to lose my way."
An advertisement for an car school claimed it could teach anyone to drive an car in five minutes or less. I man called them up and asked, "How can you teach anyone to drive in five minutes or less?" They answered. "It's a crash course."
A huge American car screeched to a halt in a sleepy English village, and the driver called out to a local inhabitant, "Say, am I on the right road for Shakespeare's birthplace?" "Ay, straight on, sir," said the rustic, "but no need to hurry. He's dead."
Women in a bus
A woman gets onto a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That’s the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, "The driver just insulted me." The man says, "There's no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the officer replied. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, "Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he’s been drinking."
Confused at traffic signs
A cop pulls over a carload of nuns in a foreign state. Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?" Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65." Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!" Sister: "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful." At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. Cop: "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible." Sister: "Oh, we just got off of highway 119."
Train engine problems
A large two engined train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement: "Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."