As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces: "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks: "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says: "Here, iron this!"
Pan Am vs. TWA
Flight Attendant greeting people at the exit: "We hope you enjoyed your flight with Pan Am today. If not, thank you for flying TWA."
Like to have
"Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything behind, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
Pilot: "The weather at our destination is a cool 50 degrees with some broken clouds. We are hopeful that they'll have them fixed before we arrive."
"Please use the lavatory in your section. The ones in first class aren't any different, except for a little linen fold that I can never seem to get right anyway."
Place to smoke
"The only place to smoke on today's flight is out on the wing. Please step through, right foot first, and follow the arrows. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. Thank you."
"Hello, and welcome aboard Alaska Airlines flight 498 to San Francisco. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening."
"In the unlikely event of a water-landing, you will find a sexy yellow life-jacket under your seat, now being modeled by the flight attendants. The life-jacket is also equipped with a light, so you can read while waiting to be rescued."
"In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer, it makes a very good fan. It also has pretty pictures. Please take it out now and play with it."
Good news - bad News
After a delay in taking off: "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that the machine that rips the handles off luggage is broken. [cheers, laughter] The bad news is that our departure will be temporarily delayed while they fix it."
"Now please take a moment to make sure that your seat belts are fastened low and tight around your waist. To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. To release, it is a pulley thing, not a pushy thing like your car because you are in an airplane."
A jet ran into some turbulent weather. To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda", said a passenger in the first row. Moving along, the attendant asked the man behind her if he would like something. "Yes", I would, he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!"
"Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. At no time in history has a passenger ever beaten a plane to the gate. So please don't try. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because, quite frankly, Shift Happens. Thank you again for choosing Alaska Air."
Male Flight Attendant: "Ladies and gentlemen, we aren't anticipating a full flight, so at this time please look around, and if you don't like the looks of the person sitting next to you, feel free to move to another seat in the cabin. Or, if you see someone you would rather be sitting next to, for example, the blonde in row 10, this would be a good time to do so."
"There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume that you're on fire and put you out. This is a free service that we provide. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one on the outside of each wing exit. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check and see what it is. Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind'."
"In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it is going to get really dark, really fast. If you are afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. The yellow button turns on your reading light. Please do not press the orange button (attendant) unless you absolutely have to. The orange button is your seat's ejection button. Just kidding. We are glad to have you on board with us today, and thank you for choosing Alaska Airlines."
A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don’t know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners." When the passengers muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight." Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"
Loss cabin pressure
"In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things (oxygen masks) will drop down above your head. You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendants are showing you now. The bag will not inflate, but there is oxygen there, I promise. If you're sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put your mask on first. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. Help that one first, then work your way down."
A young flight attendant, fresh out of training, did not realize that La Guardia and New York were the same place. While the plane was in line awaiting clearance to taxi to the runway, a passenger asked her what time would they be landing in New York, at which point the flight attendant exclaimed, "Oh my god, you're on the wrong plane!" The captain was immediately informed of a misloaded passenger and, without knowing anything further, requested permision to taxi back to the terminal. He instructed the attendant to make an announcement in case other people had also boarded by mistake. "Ladies and gentlemen," she began, "If you are traveling to New York, we regret to inform you this plane is headed to La Guardia."
"We'd now like to tell you about some important safety features of this aircraft. The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is, the flight attendants. Please look at one now. There are five exits aboard this plane: two at the front, two over the wings, and one out of the plane's rear. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please don't store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you will be glad you did. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows."
50 ways to leave
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. Whoa!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight, if you must smoke, please contact a member of the flight crew and they will escort you to the wing of the airplane."
Acting like children
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children."
Must clean it
"As you exit the plane, please be sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses. Last one off the plane must clean it."
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
Opening the overhead
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that. I'm sure that everything has shifted."
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City. The flight attendant came on the intercom and said: "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault it was the asphalt!"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with: "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silent, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
Fasten seat belts
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the intercom: "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."